Kaaaaaaazzzzoooieee!
by halfhuman123
Summary: A storm, exploding eggs... and Rico in love? It's finally happened... A Banjo-Kazooie/Penguins crossover. As if anyone was waiting for that.


Kaaaaazooie!

Two good friends were out exploring one night. It was a rainy, dark night, and they didn't one hundred percent know where they were. Banjo, a sweet and gentle giant bear, and Kazooie, a loud-mouthed breegull, loved to go on adventures, and this one was their best one yet! A whole new place! And even though it was raining, they couldn't be having more fun.

Even though...

"Hey, Kazooie, you alright back there?" Banjo asked, concerned about his backpack ridden best friend. He looked back to see her shivering a little bit, but otherwise okay. It wasn't until she shouted out in fright, some strong sense telling her that they were soon going to be in danger! A giant gust of wind soon proved her sense to be right. The bear ducked down, jerking just enough so that his backpack (and his best friend) got snagged on a branch. Before he could do anything to get her back, the wind picked up to near tornado force, and the bag was whisked away, pushed farther than even Banjo could smell!

"KAZOOIE!"

"BANJO!"

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Kazooie opened her eyes what felt like decades later. She was tired, and sore all over, and cold, and... Wait... her backpack was never cold. She looked around. Her backpack was on a table a few feet away from where she was, on some metal bed. "What is it, doctor? I've never seen a bird like this before." A female voice said above her. The breegull was dimly pleased. She was definitely unique, and proud of this fact. She uttered out one of her signature calls as loudly as she could, which wasn't very loud at all. "I'm so surprised she made it this far... Listen... Her call sounds like she's saying Kazooie."

The doctor was amused, and carried her to what looked like a giant glass box. There were some plants scattered around and some birdseed in a corner. She laid down her eyes blinking up at the doc. "You've been through a lot, huh, Kazooie? Over a whole ocean inside of a book bag. Well, girl, the worst for you is over." The red bird closed her eyes and started to think. No, the worst was just beginning...

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"King me!" Private yelled, having once again beaten his team leader at checkers. "Heheh, I win again, Skipper. Want to play again?" Skipper glared at him, a clear sign that, no, he did not want to play again. "We can play another game. Oh, how about we play--"

"There's a new arrival!" The door swung open and Marlene burst in, all excited and out of breath. "There's a new arrival!" She then grabbed and shook Skipper. "There's a new arrival!" When she finally calmed down she took a deep breath.

Skipper, on the other hand, looked dispassionately at her until she was done. "Marlene, calm down. We can't understand a word you're saying." She frowned at him before he started shaking her. "ARE YOU CALM YET!?" The otter, quickly growing tired of being shaken, broke free of his grasp and backed up a little ways. "Good. Now, what are you going on about?"

Marlene took a deep breath, which really wasn't needed, and told them. "There's a new arrival at the bird house. One of the pigeons just came from over there, and he said that it looked really sad. So I figured you guys could come with me." There was an awkward silence when she paused. "You know, to go cheer them up? Birds of a... feather... and all that?" Skipper only shook his head.

"Sorry, Marlene, but we don't have time to just pop over and see people. It's not in our nature." He was very condescending when he said this, and didn't hesitate to try and shoo her out at the same time. "And besides," He said, while shutting the door. "We don't have time." Marlene tried to yell through the door, but she had a feeling that even if she had gotten through, it wouldn't do any good. Those guys were always more involved in their own lives than anything else.

The small otter wandered through the zoo by herself. It was the middle of the night, so she wasn't terribly worried about anybody coming to get her. The birdhouse was dark, but she knew where the new arrival would be held. A big, bright blue toucan had been transferred out of there last week.

Marlene hadn't even reached the door when she heard a giant explosion coming from inside the house! She jumped back and stared, not even realizing that she had screamed out. What could possibly be going on in there? She rushed forward, about to try the door, when a second explosion came from the other side of the door! It was much louder, and had enough force to knock her backwards, sending her tumbling into a hard brick wall. She raised her head, looking towards the door, not sure what to do anymore...

Five minutes earlier...

A pretty young red crested breegull opened her eyes. It was still dark, and she now knew she was in a zoo. How did she know? Because it smelled like jail, she thought bitterly, pushing herself up. "Alright, then, let's get a good look around..." In a cage. Great, that would help her get home. Wait... Maybe she could try Banjo on his communicator. But when she looked around, neither her backpack, wrench, nor communicator were anywhere in sight. The people who put her in there must have taken it and hid it somewhere. Now how was she supposed to get out?

Then it hit her... her eggs! She thought back to the eggs she had swallowed for her and Banjo's recent adventure gone wrong. No ice eggs... or fire eggs... Or remote controlled Mini-Kazooie eggs... Granade eggs were still a go, though, as were regular blue eggs. She couldn't be certain of how many she had, so she would have to keep track of them and only use them when necessary. She took a deep breath, and fired out an explosive egg, causing her cage door to burst open with a pleasant crunching and clanking sound. "Well, it worked is what matters." She reminded herself, and skillfully jumped out of the cage.

A quick jog around the birdhouse let her know that nothing good would happen if she stayed here. On the contrary, she would probably be doomed to a life of study, crappy birdseed, and constant zoo-goers watching her every move and having their bratty son or daughter take pictures with her through her cage. Kazooie cringed. "That's not gonna happen." Her green eyes narrowed. "Not today." She quickly located the front door and took another quick deep breath, this time firing two exploding eggs at the wrought iron door. There was a small squealing noise, but other than that... nothing. She would have to try again...

Marlene shook her head, small pieces of dirt and rocks falling from it. It wasn't going to happen again, was it? Two more explosions and a broken front gate told her otherwise. This time she was a little more prepared, and ducked behind a brick wall to wait out the rock storm. It wasn't long at all before she heard some foot steps coming from the birdhouse. Marlene chanced a glance towards the door, and saw the pretty red bird coming out. "Hey, are you alright?" She rushed up towards her and looked behind her at the falling iron door. "There were explosions in there..." The red bird shook out her feathers and looked behind her.

"Really!? I didn't hear." She said sarcastically. Marlene could only gape. Did this pretty red bird make that noise? "Listen, Scrappy, I need to find where the people hide things around here. Any ideas?" Marlene glared at her. Scrappy?

"I don't... but I know some guys who do. Come on! Oh, I'm Marlene, by the way." The otter held out her hand, but the red bird ignored her and shook her head, looking around at the place. It was then that Marlene simply decided to lead the way to the center of the zoo. In the small habitat was a fishbowl, a fake plastic ice burg... but not guys. "Okay, the way in is under here..." Marlene tried as hard as she could, but to no avail... she couldn't get the fishbowl to move, under which was the penguin's secret head quarters. "I can't..."

Kazooie brushed Marlene back and glared at the bowl, bracing her legs. "I got this." She inhaled and the otter just looked at her, highly doubtful she'd be able to do anything. With one powerful exhale, she shot what looked like a green egg at the bowl, which exploded into bits, leaving just the hole entrance. "There. Let's do this."

"But their entrance... it's... ruined..."

"So?" Kazooie didn't really care, she just wanted to get home. "What does that have to do with me, exactly?" When Marlene didn't answer, she nodded. "Right. My name's Kazooie, and all I want to do is get out of this stink-hole." She paused to look into the hole. "But it looks like to get out of one, I'll have to dive into another." She jumped, Marlene hopping in right behind her.

Meanwhile, four penguins we all know and love were doing various things, the youngest of them all was looking directly above them, a little nervous about some weird noises he had just heard. And what was even weirder was that no one else it seemed had heard them. And now even more noises were coming from right outside of their door. Private, who was listening, tried to get his leader's attention, but couldn't seem to pry him away from their television.

"Skipper..."

"Not now, Private."

"But, Skipper..."

"I told you--"

"Just LISTEN!"

"Kazooie, why not just—AHHH!"

But it was too late. Kazooie didn't take orders well, and it was for that reason that she ended up blowing up the front door with five large blasts, causing it to fly open and swing from one hinge. "That's easier. With knocking, they can ignore us. They can't ignore that, can they, Clam Breath?" She said, surveying the underground lair. Marlene looked both apologetic, amused, and angered, but didn't say anything, on account of Skipper looking more angry than amused, and not in the least bit apologetic. Before he could even let out an angered grunt, however, Kazooie spoke up. "Wait... we're trying to get PENGUINS to help us? But penguins are the clowns of the arctic world, how are they gonna help?" Kazooie didn't even want to wait for an explanation. "Forget it. I could probably do this myself. Just tell me where the humans keep the lost things."

Not one of the penguins took kindly to that last statement, and they formed a line in front of her. "Not so fast, missy. We just happen to be an elite squad of penguin, specially trained to take on missions like this. We'll do it!" And with that, the six of them left for the place where the lost things were.

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They finally reached the door. "About time we got here, Fish Breath."

"Fish Breath?"

It was locked from the outside, as was the normal window they usually climbed in through. Marlene looked to Kazooie, who smiled. "I think you can handle this, Kazooie." She said. Skipper nudged Rico, who chuckled. How could this bird do anything?

"Maybe you should leave this to the professionals. Rico, knock-knock time!" Marlene, however, held him back and gestured to Kazooie. The bird was bracing herself and staring at the window. The penguins looked at her, completely dubious about her skills.

Kazooie made a bit of a screeching noise, and paused. "Huh... That's weird... Oh, right, no more fire eggs. Wrong setting." She giggled a little and then re-braced herself. "Stand back."

The only one to move was Marlene, who backed herself away at least three feet and covered her head. Skipper, however, wasn't moving. "Yeah, right, doll face. Like you can do--" A shrill call out and several loud explosions later, and the wall was now sporting a brand new hole. "Ah..." She turned towards the rubble covered penguins, laughing while Marlene tried to clean them off. "How did you do that!?" The second shortest and loudest shouted out, pacing around her.

The taller bird only shrugged and answered by saying, "Mole taught me." She went through the hole and looked around, quickly followed by the penguins, Rico following the closest, looking love struck. The rest of the penguins weren't sure what to say, and all Marlene could do was follow with a mocking, I told you so sort of smirk. As soon as she spotted the desk, she could see her bright blue backpack. "There!" She allowed Marlene to climb on her back before walking up to it and springing up onto the desk. The penguins couldn't help but still be amazed. This bird was a walking, talking impossibility.

They stacked up and joined her on the table, and Marlene was already digging through the backpack. It was then that Rico tried to make his move, and horked up some pretty flowers. Kazooie, however, wasn't paying attention. "You have to look really deep in there, Gerbil Girl." Marlene scrambled out, clearly insulted, with a strange thing on her head. She was about to tell Kazooie off, when the red bird crowed a little bit. "That's it! You found it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" After hugging Marlene she grabbed the thing and put Marlene back on her back.

Still a little dazed, Marlene asked what the thing was. Kazooie held up a finger and fiddled with it, then held it up so everyone could hear. "Hello? How me work this thing?" The red bird was obviously not looking forward to hearing that voice, as she yelled into the phone-object, telling it that Mumbo should get off. "Loud mouth bird? That you? Banjo look up and down Spiral Mountain for you. Where you go?" When Kazooie explained her situation, the voice on the other end sounded worried. "What New York? And where Old York?"

Skipper took the thing and spoke into it. "We're in New York City. How do we get to where YOU are?" He asked. The voice on the other side went quiet a little bit before a new voice came on.

"You'd probably have to collect Jiggies." It said. Kazooie hit her head, telling them that they didn't have time for that. "You're probably right, Kazooie. And I don't think a game with penguins and a breegull would be that fun anyways, no one was impressed with that one with just Banjo..." He trailed off and the phone was passed to another person.

"Listen up, Birdbrains." A very military voice, the kind Skipper would work for, came onto the phone. "There's a way to do this, but we have to work fast. Is there a picture of a forest anywhere nearby? Find one." It said. Kazooie cringed. She HATED to do what this guy said, but right then she didn't really have another choice. She gathered the penguins and they jumped off the desk, Marlene once again wearing what they found out was the Kazooie-Comm on her head. They looked around for a picture of a forest, even though Kowalski wasn't much help because he kept trying to offer up pictures from books, and Rico kept trying to win Kazooie's affections. Finally, Private called out.

"I found one!" He yelled, pointing to a high up picture. Kazooie turned around, and the penguins climbed on her back, stretching to get to the poster. Marlene asked if it was anything like where Kazooie had gotten lost at, and when they brought it down for her to see, she tilted her head.

"Uh... yeah, sorta." She answered. They took it back to the desk and Marlene listened to the Kazooie-Comm once more.

"This guy says that it should work. He said you're gonna need to put this on, and stare at the picture, thinking clearly about the last place you were before... and you're gonna need a wrench? No..." Marlene pressed the device closer to her ears before repeating what was said. "No, he says that... you need to put this thing on the wrench, and think clearly about the place... and wave the wrench." She finished uncertainly.

Kazooie understood (More than Marlene anyway), and told Marlene to dig around in her bag again for her magic wrench.

When the otter finally found it, she tossed both the wrench and the Comm down to Kazooie, who did as instructed. Soon they heard Mumbo's voice coming from the comm, chanting something strange. The wrench glowed, and Kazooie waved it around at the picture, which was being held by a slightly frightened Private. The wrench and the picture started to glow, the picture expanding and changing to...

"Spiral Mountain! That's my home." She explained, before the picture and wrench stopped glowing.

Kazooie put the comm back on and listened to her friends before joining Marlene on the table. "We need to get this picture back to somewhere safe. Somewhere the people won't find it and use it." She said. Marlene smiled and offered her place, but Rico was there in a second, shaking his head and indicating to himself.

"Rico... that won't work. Do you guys even HAVE art at your place?" Rico thought back. TV is art, right? "Then wouldn't that be a little suspicious?" Skipper agreed and the psycho penguin bowed his head. Kazooie smiled and patted him on the back, telling him nice job before jumping off the table with Marlene and her backpack. Ah well, at least she knew he existed, he thought happily, before jumping off the table and landing on Skipper and Kowalski.

The otter looked back at them from her seat atop Kazooie. "Come on, we'll do this at my place."

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A few minutes later it was time for goodbye. Kazooie scooped up Marlene and hugged her tightly. "Couldn't'a done this without you, Scrappy. Thanks for all the help." She just giggled in reply, much too modest to actually take credit for that. Well, not really, she'd rub it in the penguin's face later. She could TOO help on missions.

Skipper on the other hand looked indignant. "Hey... what about us!?" He yelled. Kazooie put down Marlene and patted them all on the head before brushing them all with her wing, hard enough to be a hit, but light enough not to hurt.

"Listen to her more next time. She actually knows what she's doing, y'know? Later, Fish Breath!" She faced the picture, much to Rico's despair, and just... jumped inside of it, vanishing forever. This didn't go over well with Rico, and he started to cry harder. She was the only girl who could throw up cooler things than he could... and now she was gone.

"Aww... come on, cheer up Rico." Marlene said, wrapping an arm around him. "Let's get you a fish smoothie, okay?" That cheered him right up, and he walked with her out of the cave, the other three in tow.

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Kazooie had finally reached her home, Banjo was delighted to see her, as was everyone else. When they asked her where she had been, she explained everything, and when she got to the part of the penguins, Banjo asked where they were from. "Are they other video game characters?" Bottles, the mole, asked? The red bird shook her head. She doubted it. "Oh. Well, maybe a TV show or something."

At this, the breegull had to laugh. "Can you imagine? Who would give THOSE wack-a-doo's a show?" she gasped, and proceeded to tell her story to everyone, blissfully unaware of the truth.

End

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Another one shot, this time starring Kazooie from "Banjo-Kazooie", a video game for N64 and Xbox. Check out the N64 one first, though. That one's the best. A little Rico/Kazooie, just because egg-bomb hurling bird girls are hot! :) Just a little "what would happen" moment, I suppose.


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